Just Want to Be With You
by x-MJ-x
Summary: My take on the Jac/ Joseph, Faye/ Linden storyline. To him, it seems that all hope is lost, his wife no longer loves him and he comes to realise, the woman he is in love may just have been lost to him. In his drunken desperation, no one can save him, except the one person who may be more harm than good...


**A/N: Hey, so this is a response to the current Joseph/ Faye/ Linden saga. It's been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now. I hope you enjoy the little twists. Please read and review, I really appreciate any commentary on my work, so feel free to be as honest as you like. All characters and recognisable themes belong to the BBC. **

**Please note: The change in "Voice" or "Person" is very deliberate and is meant to happen. I wanted the actual events to unfold in real time. **

**** Rated M for safety really. ****

* * *

The entire hospital was buzzing in the aftermath of Joseph's attack on Linden. One could not enter any corridor of the place without some gossipy nurse whispering something about it. Of course, a single icy glare, or exaggerated clearing of the throat was enough to stem the flow but the damage control that such actions could actually do was limited. Naturally, _Ms. Lytton _had been quick to hold 'peace talks' between the two surgeons in the effort of maintaining a "_united Holby"_, because after all the staff employed here should think first and foremost of the hospital's reputation.

"_We must never do anything which might attract any unwanted negative publicity for the hospital." _She would drum into them during every major incident; every blow the hospital took, every time a member of staff was involved in an accident. – _Yes Vanessa we must always do what is right for the hospital, screw the fact that we are actually human. _Or at least some of them were. The more Vanessa's ludicrous 'morale boosting techniques' were considered, the more laughable they became. In fact, it was probably fair to say that the phrase 'the hospital's reputation' was actually more likely to be a substitution for the phrase that the right and honourable chief executive officer would be brave enough to utter 'Vanessa's reputation' and at some times 'Michael Spence's reputation' because after all these were the reputations which really needed to be worked upon.

In fact, the person with the icy stare had been noticing this fact for some time now. It wasn't necessarily a big thing, until of course _that _MAJAX a couple of weeks ago. No, it had been more an accumulation of all the little things; Things that an ordinary eye would have missed. It was clear that Mr Ric Griffin was losing his touch if his lack of awareness was anything to go by. Still, he could hardly be blamed. He had been in this job a long time, he had been through a lot of 'stuff' and he had even held the position of Director of Surgery. So it was fair to say that Ric Griffin could be forgiven his sloppiness. But this person was not Ric Griffin and they came to work everyday with an eye for spotting mistakes. It had always been a particular talent, an obsessive attention to detail. That was why, with all seeing eyes, this person had noticed the tiny cracks beginning to form in the well placed masks of Michael and Vanessa. Soon, there would be no CEO and they would realise what this person had known all along, that Mrs Beauchamp had been right and that they needed her.

There was little doubt that Mrs Beauchamp, having returned from her brief jaunt into private health care, with all of her previous passion and venom, would reign supreme once more. This had always been a thing which the person valued – Connie's ability to manipulate the pawns in her 'Queendom' in the most skilful, tactically played chess game in history. But respect for the queen of Holby could wait. Right now there were more pressing matters to deal with.

Vanessa's little peace talks had done very little to heal the rift between Joseph and Linden. Bringing them together after such a violent incident was hardly the best course of action and yet this had been precisely what Vanessa had done, because as always, Ms Lytton had acted first and thought later – more was the pity.

When one considered everything, Joseph had been perfectly right to act upon his frustrations. By all accounts, and from personal knowledge, Linden and Faye's little 'affair' had been going on since the wedding – hardly an honest way to start a marriage. Joseph was a very principled man, everyone knew it and when Joseph married Faye it would have been because, for some strange reason he loved her. This was something which seemed totally incomprehensible. Why would he have loved her, with all her pathetic little noises and her numerous lies? He knew the truth about her and had been casually ignoring it. But the truth was that Joseph loved Faye, incomprehensible as it may have been. He had loved her and he had thought that she loved him too. Everyone had thought that. Evidently nobody, including Joseph had known the truth.

Now Joseph was broken. He was a broken man who had reacted with only thing he had left. When words had failed him, when he had not been able to express his feelings through civilised discussion and he usually did, Joseph had reacted with his fists and this was the result. It had not solved anything and now if anything it was possible to suggest that Faye hated him even more. This could definitely be corroborated if one met Faye on one of her shifts. She had taken to moving between wards, never staying in one place too long for fear of cracking under the pressure of the gossip. One thing was for sure, the merry murderess certainly was not very merry anymore. In fact, she looked more like a black widow. Yes, it seemed Faye would perhaps have been better employed as an actress than a nurse. She definitely had the ability to draw people into her, to pull sympathy from even her harshest critics. She was just the poor victim in Joseph's violent and unnecessary attack upon the man she was desperately in love with. She couldn't understand why people were looking at her with dark suspicious eyes. Or this was the story Faye spun, wandering around with a forlorn sadness about her, wanting it all to go away.

But everyone knew the truth. That Faye had lead Joseph on, used him for his money and then run into the arms of Linden the white knight destined to rescue her from her 'evil captor'. People may have shown her a sympathetic smile and uttered comforting words but they knew and when her back was turned, the nurses and even some of the doctor's had continued their gossip. But not this one. This doctor had remained passive in the whole situation, merely observing life in the aftermath of Joseph's 'brutality.'

Faye had even gone so far as to invite the doctor to gloat, but that was the one thing that Sister _Morton _failed to notice. While the sister had continued her immature jibes, the doctor had moved past it all. Yes she had moved on because in the end she had a deep, personal understanding with Joseph that Faye could not even begin to comprehend.

* * *

She supposed it had been that day when they had both nearly died, trapped in that theatre. She had seen her life flash before her eyes and what a pitiful excuse for a life it had been. All of her vindictive behaviour, all of her hurtful comments – everything. She had realised how low she had stooped when she had slept with his father for the advancement of her career, not that it had come to much. Yes, she had spent some invaluable time on Mrs Beauchamp's firm before she had left, but in the process she had wrecked a solid and weathered marriage and worse still she had lost the man she loved. Of course she had not known until he was gone that this was the case, but that was always the way. How stupid she had been. So, it had been in a last ditch attempt to rectify some the damage she had inflicted upon him that she told him how she really felt.

"_I feel love for you." _It had been a simple statement and even at the time she had been aware that it was not quite an 'I love you' but it showed him that deep down, out of reach of the overpowering rule of the machine she had become, her heart was still governed by the oppressed voice of her human side. It showed him, she hoped that she was not as evil as he thought she was. The very fact that she could admit feeling _anything_ was an achievement for her. She had never been open about her feelings before but for some reason Joseph caused her to be flooded with honesty.

Of course her efforts had been futile by this time, whether they had lived or died, Joseph was inexorably in love with Faye and the wedding plans were already underway. She didn't really understand her motivations because she had known that their time had passed and that Joseph would go ahead and marry Faye anyway. But for a second, just a second when he had given her a weak smile, she knew that on some level he forgave her. With this knowledge she had welcomed death, knowing that no matter what happened, if she died now- she would not be quite so alone.

Recalling these memories drove her towards him with greater determination. She had to find him, to ask him if he really was ok, or if like so many people thought he truly had lost his marbles. A wry smile threatening her stoic mouth at this thought. These little jibes basically summed up her relationship with Mr Byrne, but underneath it all, he had always been there for her. She remembered how concerned he had been when she had been in her accident and she remembered how bitter she'd been. Of course, he had been angry when he had found out the reason why she had been in the accident in first place but she supposed he could have been angrier with Faye than he was with her at this point. It had been something about the concerned look in his eyes, the way that no matter how many times she insisted she was fine he still asked her if she was ok. It had been annoying for someone so independent, but she knew it had come from a good place. That was why she had known instantly that she would be there to pick up the pieces now.

She understood that Elliot had come to her as a last resort and realised that this must mean that things were bad, but that was fine. She could sort this.

* * *

She pushes open the door to the on call room, knowing that this will be where she will find him. If she knows Joseph he is in the middle of a cycle of destructive thoughts. She knows that he will be unable to go home to the house he shared with Faye and he would be far too proud to go to Annemarie. So naturally, the only place he would come to is here in the on call room.

She is not surprised therefore, to find him lying out on the small single bed in the middle of the room. She steps further into the room, surveying the damage. Next to the bed is an empty bottle of Russian Vodka, the kind that always made her cough and if the large stain on the thin carpet is anything to go by, he had not been particularly successful in drinking the substance. She can also smell whisky although she can see no evidence of the alcohol. It emanates from him even from the distance she is standing at.

She calls his name softly and is surprised when he does not respond. She supposes it could be the alcohol but since there seemed to be little evidence to suggest a large consumption, particularly not of the vodka he had obviously intended on consuming during the day. She goes over the bed despite her better judgement and is shocked to find that the source of his unconsciousness is a large slash in his left arm. It is apparent that it has been bleeding for sometime.

Bloody Hell. This is bad. What the Hell has he done this time?

"Joseph?" She calls desperately trying to rouse him. After several seconds of no response she goes to find some packs and sutchers. If she didn't need to alert anyone else then that was just better for everyone.

She worked quickly, stemming the blood flood and repairing the wound. The cut seems superficial upon further inspection although it had definitely been bleeding profusely at some point leading to him passing out. But it is unlikely that he had attempted to harm himself, although with his obsessive tendencies she wouldn't have put it past him. She dresses the wound and breathes a sigh of relief; at least he hadn't done anything stupid.

She sits on the edge of the bed watching the steady rise and fall of his bare chest and she can not help but think how handsome he is. Where had that come from? She didn't know, or wouldn't admit it to herself so she simply ignored it, saying a silent prayer that soon he would wake up.

* * *

It takes a while but eventually he begins to stir, she has a feeling he is going to be feeling the effects of last night right about now.

"God my head..." He mumbles as he stirs, true to her prediction.

Next his right hand flies to the place where the dressing is secured. _Yes, Mr Byrne do silly things and this is what happens. _She thinks to herself. Slowly, he opens his eyes, blinking in the bright light apparently trying to focus his mind.

"Faye?" He calls out weakly, probably because he knows it is hopeless.

"No such luck." She says drily, not hint of her usual sarcasm.

"Or maybe that is luck." She muses afterwards.

"What are you doing here?" He asks her accusingly.

"Hello Jac – How are you Jac? Nice to see you Jac." She answers stoically. Although she knows this situation is not about her.

"Go away." He mumbles childishly.

"I actually came here because I was worried about my friend. Or a least that's what I think you are. But it clear that the question 'are you okay' is hardly pertinent." Jac half spat.

"I don't want to see you!" He tells her with determination as he pulls himself up.

"Oh Mr Byrne are you getting angry again? We all know what happens when you get angry." Jac couldn't help herself.

"Go to Hell." Joseph snaps.

"Oh so no thank you then? – you know, for saving your life?" She asks him, feigning hurt.

"What?" He asks her heatedly.

"Well you obviously cut yourself today and you were bleeding pretty badly, but hey, if you want me to go..." She tells him.

"Oh well... Erm... thanks." He whispers, always the gentleman.

They sit in silence for a moment, so unusual for them until she breaks it.

"Come on Joseph what's going on?" Jac asks him sympathetically.

"Well, what is there to tell that you don't already know? My _wife _has left me for our devout Catholic friend Mr Cullen and I lost it and unfortunately, despite my best effort the traitor survived and I have been slowly succumbing to an alcohol induced stupor. So if you don't mind Jac, I don't particularly feel up to your little mind games today." He says closing his eyes for a second.

Jac is genuinely hurt by this low stab. She had come here because she knew that she was the only person who could talk to him when he was in this state, she had come here to save him from himself, to save his job.

"Joseph, I didn't come here to play games. I'm over that. I lost. She won and that's fine. I came here because Elliot asked me to, I came because I care." Jac tells him calmly.

"Jac Naylor capable of human emotion? I must be dead." He laughs a deep throaty laugh.

"Make jokes if you want Joseph but what I told you that day – that was real." She says and neither of them dares to raise the question of which day she is referring to. It is obvious.

"Jac we've moved on. I am now officially wifeless and you... God knows what's going on with you." He points out somewhat cruelly.

"It seems I have experienced an epiphany of sorts." She replies taking every blow he deals her.

"Ah – you're not going to tell me that you found religion? Frankly, at this point I have no patience for _the voice of religion.'_" He chuckles because crying would be pathetic.

"Whatever Joseph." She admits defeat.

"What are you doing here?" He asks her again.

"I've been through this Joseph." She tells him again.

"Oh yes, you're _here for me_" He says sarcastically.

"Do we hold hands and sit in a circle- well more of a wonky oblong- now Jac? Tell me - how are you going to make this go away?" He adds as an after thought.

"Bloody Hell Joseph when did you become so cynical?" Jac asks disbelievingly.

"Oh I don't know Jac, about the time when my wife told me she'd been in love with another man on our wedding day. Or was it when I found you sitting here waiting for me to wake up? I can't decide." He snaps.

"Joseph you need to come home with me. You need to shower. You need a proper rest, you can't work like this." She replies evenly after a moment's contemplation.

"Come home with you? I'd rather die!" He retorts.

"You almost did!" Jac shouts.

"Look at you Joseph! You're a mess – where's your self respect? You're covered in blood and you haven't even noticed. You're living in the on call room for Christ's sake! Now please don't make this difficult – just get your spare suit and let's go." Jac continues to shout.

"Is this another master plan? Do you intend on blackmailing me into thinking I got you pregnant again?" He asks her, still hurt by that.

"Joseph that's in the past. I just want to help this time, I promise." She says sincerely. She definitely regrets that particular con.

He sighs heavily and swings himself out of the bed pulling on his blood covered shirt.

"A shower that's all." He tells her as he follows her from the room.

"Fine by me." Jac replies simply.

"Give me your car keys." She tells him curtly.

"What?" He looks at her doubtfully.

"I can hardly take you on my bike can I? It's not like I'm going to let you drive by the way, before you get that crazy idea into your head." She says as if this was a ridiculous suggestion.

He reluctantly gives her the keys and gets into the passenger side.

"You're not insured." He tells her pragmatically.

"It's ten minutes down the road." She states the facts, knowing that this doesn't matter, a lot can happen in ten minutes – but she'll drive carefully.

He does not reply choosing to spend the ten minute journey in silence.

* * *

She kills the engine outside of her apartment block. Joseph is looking nervously up at the fourth floor window which belongs to her one bedroom home.

"I won't bite Joseph." It was her turn to laugh. Why did he notice the musicality in that laughter? Was it simply that he had not heard it in a while and had forgotten what it sounded like? Or was it something else?

He gets out the car, carrying the small bag which houses the few possessions he currently has access to. He supposes that deep down he is grateful to Jac but he is reluctant to admit this. He does not want to give her an advantage in their mutual stand off.

She unlocks the main door with one key as he has seen her do many times and proceeds to climb the stairs to her apartment.

Stepping inside with Joseph is like stepping back in time. She remembers the last time he had come here, the last time she had pretended that more had happened between them than actually had, just because she could. God that was a mistake, but she had been desperate.

She holds his keys out him on the tip of her finger, she supposes that she's teasing him but he doesn't respond. His eyes are dead and he snatches the keys, roughly throwing them into his pocket.

She sighs, knowing she was foolish to try, but hoping for..._something._

"Coffee?" She asks nonchalantly.

"Please." He replies in his intellectual tone.

"Sure." She says and goes into the kitchen.

He can hear her as she bangs around the kitchen getting out an extra mug, pouring extra coffee into the machine. Doing everything for two. Perhaps this is strange for her; it is oddly comforting to him. Even though this is the wrong house and the wrong woman – or is it?

The thought is fleeting and he pushes it swiftly from his mind. He still loves Faye. But how can he? Why does he? He doesn't want to and that's the point.

She hands him his coffee and he smiles his thanks. _This is exactly what I needed. _He thinks to himself. He drains the hot liquid quickly, appreciative of the warmth it causes inside of him, warmth that he has not felt for weeks.

"Is it ok if I take that shower now?" He asks and she acquiesces.

* * *

He looks better after a shower, this much she notices immediately. He looks less sallow, less tired – more like Joseph. He is dressed more like himself too. Gone is the bloody shirt he was wearing earlier and in its place is a pristine blue one. He has rolled the sleeves up and the top two buttons are unfastened. His feet are bare and for a moment he looks at home here, he looks like he belongs with her in this little apartment, it might even appear that they are a couple. But she knows that this simply a trick of the light, an illusion, maybe even a secret desire. Perhaps this is his attempt to be relaxed, to show her that he is fine; but beneath everything that the shower has done for him, she can still see the pinched tightness of his eyes and that air of sadness has yet to leave him. He is almost Joseph but not quite.

He sits opposite her on the tiny white armchair she bought for occasions such as these. It is a new addition since he was last here, an effort to make herself seem less solitary, less icy despite the irony of its colour.

He picks up the fresh coffee cup she has placed on the table between them. She notices with a pang that the table represents an even bigger, far more realistic gulf between them.

He sips in silence, and she follows him, words are unnecessary at this point.

"Thanks for this Jac." Joseph says after a while, his first civilised remark yet.

"No problem." She smiles.

"What happens now?" He speaks in barely a whisper.

As he raises his cup to his lips again she sees that he had taken the dressing off his knuckles and she notices the bruising, the swelling and the small trickle of blood which runs down his hand.

"Well first things first – Let me dress that for you." She says, kicking off her shoes and going for the first aid kit which is surprisingly under stocked considering she is a doctor. She does find some dressings however, and this is good enough for her.

She peels away the plastic packaging and kneels down in front of him. She takes his hand in hers and can't stop herself from stroking it briefly. A jolt of electricity runs through her arm.

He stretches his hand out against hers and waits for her to apply the dressing. She does, but still she doesn't let go. There's something in the air, a tension which charges between them.

She doesn't know what to do. She knows what she wants to do, but it is wrong. They are bad for each other and she knows it, but he is sad and maybe she can make it better.

That's why when it happens, it is everything that she wanted and nothing she expected. That is why when she reaches forward and places her delicate lips onto his fingertip, he doesn't back away. That is why when she kisses each of his fingers in turn, he groans appreciatively.

That is why when her breath catches for just a second too long, she thinks that time has stopped. That is why when she draws back from him, sitting back on her calves she doesn't know what is going to happen and she's not sure that she wants to know. When she chances a look at him, she's surprised to find that he is not staring at her with embarrassment but with something else, something indiscernible but something definitely _there. _She runs her hand nervously through her sleek, high ponytail.

She can hear his laboured breathing and she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. She doesn't know what to do. Perhaps she should tell him to leave. It is bad that she wants more, that she wants him – but deep down she knows she always did. She just wanted to make him feel better; to let him know that she is here and that he can turn to her despite everything they've been through and this has happened.

He looks at her in bemusement, he too is unsure of the meaning of her actions. He can't ask her, because he doesn't know what to say. He is surprised that he feels no anger. He is a married man, and this is crossing the line. He shouldn't be feeling these things for a woman who is not his wife, who is everything his wife is not. But he does and this is the truth and besides, Joseph knows that although legally he is still married to Faye, they are poles apart and it will be only a matter of months before they will no longer be married. He imagines it will only be a few months before Faye becomes Mrs Cullen. He had always suspected that something like this would happen, he had known this from the start and yet he had married her, allowed her lies to continue and now he is scared by his feelings for Jac.

They have hardly had a rosy past. In fact it can be described as anything but. He remembers with a sting all of her malicious comments, all of her manipulation, the fact that she betrayed him and betrayed his mother; the fact that deep down he had never stopped loving her. Deep down he could never escape the fact that Jac had been the first woman he had really loved, because the truth was they had been happy at some point during their relationship – he knew that much. Where did that leave them now in this awkward moment? The moment that could lead to rejection or...? He didn't even dare to think.

She gives him one last wistful look before she pushes herself up gracefully. She turns away from him, walking towards the door. She cannot deal with the look he is giving her right now; she knows that she was wrong to kiss him like that, so intimately, so suggestively. But had felt so good, so right that she cannot comprehend the idea that is was wrong, no matter how hard so tries. She turns briefly as she reaches the door, looking back at him.

"I'm sorry." She whispers and then she is gone.

* * *

He sits in stunned silence after she has gone. This is not what he had been expecting when he had agreed to come here. He is not entirely sure what it was that he had been expecting- that she would throw herself at him the moment they got here maybe? That she would try to take advantage of him again – manipulate him in his fragile stability. Perhaps even that she would gloat, profess her omniscient qualities. Tell him that she had always predicted this. That would have been the way that Jac would normally react. But this had not been what she had done. She had been sweet and kind and had not expected anything from him. Then of course, there had been those kisses. So intimate and tender, completely different from his previous experiences of Jac. He remembers having sex with Jac. Always hasty, rushed and meaningless – for her anyway and this was why this new side of her shocked him. Perhaps she really has changed?

* * *

She sits in her room, her arms tense against the bed, her mouth set. She strains to hear any movement on the other side of the door. Perhaps he has left, gone back to the hospital or God knows where else. She crossed the line, this much she knows. She has shown him too much of herself and now she regrets it. She knows that she cannot hide in here forever, but for now she feels safe. She is reeling from the shock of her own actions. She did not expect to react in that way, but she wanted him to know how she felt. It is not long before her heart takes over and she feels the tears in her eyes. She hates herself right now. Crying is for the weak, for the emotional wrecks who cannot handle life. Crying is not something that Jac Naylor does. But she cannot help herself. What starts as a small stream of tears, soon becomes a river and then she cannot hold off the waves of sadness which fill her. Her whole body shakes as she sobs. Sobs for her stupidity, for everything she has lost, for Joseph. She sobs for herself and her pathetic loveless existence.

The tears leave sticky tracks down her face and her usually cold, marble features are crumpled with emotional stress. She knows that she must look a mess and she goes to the tiny square mirror on the wall.

She chances a look into it, hating what she sees. Her eyes are pinched with the effort of crying, her lips are swollen and the usual porcelain of her complexion is shattered by large red blotches. She scratches at her face adding to the wreckage. She almost knocks the mirror clean off the wall in her anger, but something stops her.

* * *

He is behind her, staring at her imperfect reflection in the mirror, she is frozen. She tries to hold eye contact with him in the mirror, but it becomes too difficult and she looks away.

He notices that she is staring with determination at her feet. Maybe this is too much, maybe he is overstepping the mark, but it feels like the right thing to do.

"You were right about her." He whispers into the silence, waiting for the gratified smile to show on her face. It doesn't come.

She draws in a stifled breath as she tries to speak. She has been crying way too much.

"You love her Joseph – it doesn't matter what I think. We try to believe that we are happy even when we know we're not – right?" She replies maturely, choosing not to take the opportunity to gloat. He notices this.

"That's just it; I don't think I ever really loved her. I think we went through so much that I fooled myself into thinking that it meant love." He replies quietly and she is stunned by this admission.

"I was so angry with you for betraying me that I used Faye to get back at you. Anyone can see we're not happy together. Faye and I – we don't work." Joseph spoke his realisation out loud.

"I think it was impossible for me to love her truly..." he begins, hesitating a moment before continuing. "...When I'm still in love with you." He finishes.

She feels like she's been slapped in the face, she doesn't know what to say. She knows she can't say she loves him too because this is too cheesy but she needs to say something.

"You're having a tough time Joseph, you're confused. You can't say what you're feeling right now. Of course you love Faye." Jac replies diplomatically sacrificing her feelings for the sake of Joseph. _"I would do anything for love..." _she thinks to herself sadly, the tune filling her head.

"No Jac- you don't get to do this anymore." He tells her, stepping closer to her, she still hasn't turned around.

"I'm not doing anything Joseph, I'm your friend and for my sins, I'm happy with that." She insists.

"No one's looking for a martyr Jac; no-one's going to say _"I'll give Jac a promotion because she has self restraint." _It's just you and me." He tells her becoming more certain of himself with every word.

"I hurt you. You don't love me. I don't deserve it." She says honestly.

"Jac, don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel. I decide." Joseph growls, tired of being dictated to.

"I don't feel the same way." Jac tries, speaking harshly although the wavering in her voice betrays her.

"Don't lie to me Jac. I can't handle anymore lying. This can be a new slate, but you have to be honest." Joseph tells him.

"I am being honest." Jac replies.

"Jac look at me." He instructs her, noticing that she has not looked up from the floor once.

She waits a moment before raising her head, meeting his eyes tentatively in the mirror. He can see the tears threatening to cascade again. It had been the sound of her crying which had caused him to come here.

"Don't cry Jac." He whispers sensitively, noting the irony. It should her telling him not to cry.

"Don't tell me what to do!" She says with as much conviction as she can muster, she almost sounds like Jac, but not quite. She laughs then, the same musical laughter as before. They are the same she and Joseph. They are both defiant and head strong, they both themselves but not quite. They are both broken and they can both heal each other.

He smiles as she does, her smile is beautiful, and he has forgotten this. He only associates her with bitterness. He reaches out and grips her slender wrist, spinning her towards him in one swift motion. He experiences a thrill as a shock of electricity travels his arm. It is still there – everything he feels for her.

"Tell me Jac. Tell me that you want this." He speaks again, softly and gently

"I..." She trails off. He is still married, he is fragile – this is wrong.

"Joseph we're not right for each other." She says simply.

"You don't really think that Jac, I know you don't." He dismisses her comment, stroking at the shining tracks of her tears. He hears her breath catch.

"I do Joseph. You're married. This is wrong." She tries to sound convincing.

"I'm not married anymore. I don't love her. I love you. _I want you._" He tells her in exasperation and she almost looses the will to live. This is too romantic. This is not them, but it feels nice.

"Joseph I..." She can't fight him much longer, she can't.

"Jac, be honest with me." Joseph begs her.

"I want this. God Joseph I want you. I made a mistake and I have regretted it everyday since." She relents.

"I know. I know." He croons, stepping closer still.

She can't reply, why was he so gracious? He should hate her forever for what she had done and yet here he is.

"Joseph I'm scared." Jac whispers, feeling weak.

"You don't have to be." He replies, reassuring her. She does not move an inch, does not even flinch as his lips brush hers. She is not sure that it can be called a kiss but whatever it is, it is wonderful. She feels exhilarated.

His hand closes around her tiny waist making her alarmingly aware of the change in their behaviour.

"Joseph..." She whispers, but he stops her protest with another kiss. This time, he is more confident as his lips touch hers with more insistence.

Soon he is lost in her, lost in the feel of her lips, which initially protested, moving against his with a gentle insistence. He hears a stifled moan escape her and he knows that this is right.

She feels so good. She feels human again and this is something she has not felt in such a long time and she is thankful that at last she has been able to feel something. But she knows that he is fragile and it doesn't matter what he says now, she knows that in the morning he will hate her. Even as he continues to kiss her, she is preparing herself to let him go, because he is vulnerable and as usual, she had ulterior motives for bringing him here. As always, Jac Naylor thought of herself before anyone else and now she hates herself more than he ever could.

She tries to distance herself from him, but it is so hard. He is kissing her so tenderly and it almost kills her. She knows that sooner or later, he will need to breathe and then she will ask him to leave. But the moment comes much sooner than she is prepared for and she almost can't bear it. He pulls away and he is smiling and all she wants to do is cry. He realises this and cups her face in his hands.

"Jac what's the matter?" He asks her, concerned that she will reject him.

She pauses a moment, she is not sure how to do it. Should she tell him all her emotions? Has she changed enough for that? She doesn't think so, so in true Jac Naylor style, she decides on cruelty.

"I'm afraid you are just not doing it for me Mr Byrne." She says venomously and it feels like a knife through her own heart.

He takes it, he has been expecting this. He has already allowed for this reaction. Either Jac was going to go with it, succumb to the moment, or she was going to do this. He couldn't blame her, it was scaring the Hell out of him, but for Jac this must have been setting alarming bells ringing. Naturally, she has put her defences up and is doing the only thing she knows how to do – pushing him away. He is not going to take it personally this time, after all this is her way of dealing with awkward, uncomfortable situations.

Instead of shouting, he laughs. It is a heartfelt sound which surprises even him. He has not laughed like this in such a long time, but this is truly amusing. He knows that Jac had been enjoying his kisses almost as much as he was and now she is in denial.

"This is no laughing matter." Jac snaps tersely.

"Oh but it is Jac, this is so typical of you." He chuckles and she glares at him.

There is silence for a moment, and Jac becomes increasingly aware of her proximity to him. This is a little too close for comfort, but when she tries to move away; he tightens his grip on her waist holding her in this position.

"I'm not letting you go that easily." He whispers and she is stunned. This is too similar to those romantic movies Jac watches on a Sunday afternoon. This is too much like the moment when the heroine realises exactly what is about to happen. This is not realistic; this is not how sex happens in real life.

"You don't have a choice Joseph. I don't want you in my house anymore. I'm telling you to leave." She replies, her voice empty, the words stabbing at her heart.

"I'm afraid you're stuck with me Jac. We belong together, despite our better judgement we fit together you and I." He tells her, making no move to heed her words.

"GET OUT!" She screams. She just wants to be alone, she can't handle this anymore.

"Jac, for God's Sake will you just think about this for a minute. You're not hurting anyone but yourself right now. Give yourself a break, be honest with yourself." He replies calmly, refusing to match her decibel.

"Why are you doing this to me?" She implores in a voice which is nothing like her own.

He blinks for a second and he sees little Jacqueline -perhaps even Jacquie, he sees the vulnerability and the softness in her face. She is there for a minute, that scared little girl, before he blinks again and Jac stands before him; strong, resolute and stubborn. Jac who lost the ability to feel so long ago.

"You're doing this to yourself." He tells her.

"Joseph you're married." She tries again, a last ditch pathetic attempt to be virtuous. It definitely doesn't suit her.

"Jac tonight it's just you and me. That's what I want to think about. Not_ Faye_ or anything else ok." He replies, making his feelings clear.

"Joseph, you can't pretend that's it's not real. You have to know that it's happening." She tells him, her resolution slipping with every word, soon she will kiss him again, and soon she won't stop him when he takes it further.

"Jac, believe me, if there's one thing I know it's that everything is not perfect for me. But for now at least, I just want to be me, before everything with Faye." He tells her his voice holding the tone of a man who has walked a weary journey.

"Hmm you before Faye, do I want to remember that person? Hmm... wait... weren't you with me back then?" She asks with a teasing suggestion.

"Exactly." He confirms with a smile, he has taken her down the right path, she remembers as he had hoped she would.

"Well in that case..." She trails of, closing the gap between them and placing her lips to his.

* * *

She relaxes into the kiss after a while, knowing that it is not worth fighting something so right. She feels his tongue pushing lightly against her lower lip and she grants him the access he desperately wants. Soon, their tongues are dancing a passionate tango. Kissing him like this makes her realise how much of herself she has been hiding. She finally feels like herself after so long, she knows exactly who Jac Naylor is. She can define her precisely. Jac Naylor is a woman in love. That is so weird, but it feels natural and it feels comforting and she is with the right person. She realises that she may never be the same again and this feeling is not a bad one.

She allows her hands to rest upon his strong shoulders they way she has seen in the movies. She has never done anything like this before. If she thinks back to having sex with him before, she cannot remember much. A hasty fumble and lack lustre kiss perhaps but nothing meaningful before or after. So whilst the lover may be the same, the experience is certainly going to be different.

She moans a little as his hands begin circling her back, recommitting her body to his memory. She has not changed much in the time they have been apart, but she feels entirely different to Faye and this is a good thing.

She is nervous; perhaps she won't live up to his expectations. It is possible that being with Faye has changed his opinion of women forever. Maybe she is not what he looks for anymore.

He pulls away from her, searching out her eyes with his own – holding her gaze. She is exactly as he remembers her and he loves that fact. He smiles at her and she returns the gesture with a weak half smile.

"What is it Jac?" He asks her, concerned.

She hesitates a moment. "Well...it's just... how do I know you won't hate me in the morning?" She asks, feeling stupid.

He is unsure where this has come from, though he can understand her concerns; particularly after last time.

"Jac I won't hate you I promise. We're different now. You're different." He tells her, knowing that this has not fully answered her question, but for now it is the best he can do. In all honesty, he may regret this is in the morning but he could never hate her again.

He places a small kiss to her forehead as she takes in what he has just told her. She wants this to work. She needs this to work, but she knows that this is probably just rebound sex for him. Is that ok? Probably not, but it's better than nothing.

"Ok." She replies simply and that is all that needs to be said.

* * *

She takes his hand and leads him to the bed. She motions to him to sit and he obliges. He is mesmerised by her beauty. He had forgotten how beautiful she was underneath all the venom. He had forgotten how beguiling she could be. He remembers now. She stands opposite him, a sparkle in her eye. She obviously knows exactly how this will play out and he would not have expected anything less from her.

She smiles alluringly and her face instantly looks softer. He makes a mental note to see more of these smiles. She pauses for a second before she takes a step closer to him. She uses her left leg to push his legs further apart. He is surprised when she kneels into the space she has created. This is so sexy...

She feels the softness of the mattress beneath her so she knows that this is real. She is not used to being so bold during sexual encounters, but this time is different, this time is important.

She allows her breath to tickle at his skin before she places tiny kisses to his jaw. She hears his breath catch and her heartbeat quickens. She feels one of his hands around her waist, apparently steadying her, as the other reaches up to her ponytail. His hand slips easily through the long silky cord of hair and then he reaches for the hair tie which secures it. He knows that Jac has to wear her long hair this way for work, but he has always loved how she looks when it is flying free.

His dexterous fingers quickly work the small piece of elastic down her ponytail and her hair tumbles gratifyingly out of its severe confines. As her deep red hair falls in a heavy sheet, it shines like glass. Most of it falls down her back, but some settles over her shoulder covering her face slightly.

Jac's hair is so different from Faye's. It is obvious that the colour is different, but is more than that. Joseph thinks back to the last time he had sex with Faye. He recalls the pained expression on her face – as though it was the last thing she wanted to be doing. He supposes that in retrospect this is probably true. He remembers the way they had resorted to undressing themselves and climbing into their bed in the dark. No appreciation for the other, sex with Faye had become a loveless experience. No words and no kisses, just the act itself. Sometimes she would cry, sometimes she would lay there in the aftermath and look as though she was a million miles away – _probably thinking of Linden. _He thinks to himself. Sometimes she would simply wrap herself in a sheet and leave him there as though he disgusted her. The only thing he can clearly remember is Faye's hair. The way it fell around her face in straggled tendrils sticking to her head unattractively, nothing like Jac's fiery hair which falls in a smooth continuous stream. He loves Jac's hair. He loves its texture as he strokes his finger through it.

She feels his desire for her growing and she is sure this is meant to be.

"Who knew hair could be such a turn on?" She giggles, bringing him out of his trance.

"Sorry. I just forgot how beautiful you are." He tells her.

"Oh stop it!" She says clearly embarrassed.

"It's true." He insists earnestly.

She kisses him full on the mouth as her hands move lower. Her index finger applies pressure to the hollow at the base of his throat as she reaches the collar of his shirt. Her hands shake as her fingers work the buttons.

"Don't be nervous." He tells her reassuringly, taking one of her hands and kissing it lightly.

"I'm not nervous Joseph – I'm excited." She tells him confidently.

"Good because the feeling's mutual." He replies, liking the fire in her spirit.

She finally attends to the last button and the shirt opens of its own volition. His smooth skin is exposed to her and she waits briefly as he shrugs off the unnecessary garment.

His torso is firm and toned, exactly as she remembers it and she cannot help but pepper the familiar skin with kisses. Her lips naturally gravitate towards his trousers which surprisingly are not fastened with a belt. Does that mean anything? Perhaps he has wanted this from the time he took that showered. It hardly seems to matter now. It is happening and that is wonderful. Her mouth closes around the button at the top of the trousers but he stops her from completing the unspoken action, lifting her chin with his fingers. She looks into his eyes, searching out her mistake. He smiles at her.

"Patience Jac." He tells her, as though she is a child.

"What?" She stifles out the word.

"Give and take Jac, that's what this is about. You've had your turn and now it's my turn." He tells her in a tone which suggests that it is obvious.

"Ah I get it Mr Byrne. You just want an excuse to undress me faster." She jokes with a giggle.

"You caught me." He admits, not afraid of his feelings.

"So, basically you want me naked." Jac continues suggestively.

Usually, talking in such a way would have made him cringe but for some reason all sense of principality has left him today.

"Mmm you could say that, yes." He agrees, chuckling again.

"You definitely know what you want Mr Byrne." She purrs.

"Definitely." He agrees still laughing.

"I suppose that can be arranged." She murmurs, placing a delicate kiss to his cheek.

She stops what she is doing even though the loss of contact is almost too much to bear. She flicks her hair over her shoulder and hears his pleasured moan. Her fingers quickly work the single button on the blazer she is wearing and she shrugs it off, throwing it to the floor.

She waits for him to do something, to say something but he remains silent. He is staring at her as though this is the first time he has seen her. She finds this amusing and endearing at the same time.

"Joseph?" She poses his name as a question.

"Sh." He tells her, reaching up for her lips. She responds to his kiss, her hands resting on his shoulders as her mouth possesses his hungrily.

He runs his hands down her slender body rubbing the silk of her top against her skin maddeningly. This is the first time he has taken notice of what she is wearing. She has on a simple silk top which is fastened by a large zip on the back and high- waisted trousers. This is yet another thing that he likes about Jac. She doesn't try too hard. She doesn't bother with all the fashion trends – instead choosing simple, classic looks. She isn't fazed if her dress is labeless and she certainly doesn't worry about complicated fastenings which are unfathomable for a man. Not like Faye... Why does he keep comparing the two women? He has a beautiful woman here with him in the present and he is going to enjoy it.

His fingers are on the zip and she hears the slackening of the fastening as he slides it down. She smiles coyly, knowing that he is enjoying this and she is glad of this fact. She feels the warmth of his soft fingertips as they caress the delicate protrusion of her spine and she lets out a slow mewl of pleasure. She desires nothing more than for him to rip the expensive silk top from her savagely, and if his reactions so far are anything to go by, Joseph feels the same way.

He mumbles her name into her neck as he places butterfly kisses along its elegance. She is more beautiful now than she has ever been and he hopes he can find a way to tell her this, to let her know that this is exactly what he wants and what he needs. He has used up all of his self restraint and he knows now that the top she is wearing will have to come off. It is as necessary to him as breathing. He feels her shift a little in their somewhat awkward embrace and he knows that she is becoming impatient.

He teases her, allowing his fingers to play with the hem of the top. He lifts it a little and lets it fall again. She groans in her impatience. Instead of indulging her wishes by removing the top, he allows his hands to slip beneath the material, gently caressing the smooth firmness of her toned abdomen. She lets out a languorous sigh of pleasure and he feels the contraction of her muscles beneath his hands. He is delighted that she is allowing this to happen.

"Joseph... please." She whispers, her voice trembling. He ignores her plea for a moment before he can not stand the fabric divide between them any longer. With firm insistence, he takes hold of the hem of the top and drags it slowly up her body. She raises her arms silently, urging him to continue. He throws the delicate silver garment to the floor, usually he would have stopped, folding each item as he went making sure everything was neat and ordered before proceeding. But tonight, his obsessional neurosis seemed pathetic. Jac was the only one who truly understood his obsession and yet in her company, he had yet to display any of these tendencies. It felt odd to him and yet it felt normal, for once he felt like he could just be a man and he relished this fact.

He has been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he has not even noticed Jac. She is not sure if this is a bad sign. She doesn't think so; she has to remember to make allowances for him. This is weird for them both, but it must be terrifying for Joseph.

As his mind slowly registers exactly what he sees before him, Joseph can barely believe that it is real. She is still kneeling in front of him, waiting for his reaction. Her face has an ethereal quality which distances her from him, but at the same time grounds her in the moment. In the effort of removing her top, he has managed to drag some of her hair back over her shoulder and it looks beautiful against the pale porcelain of her exposed skin. She laughs that same musical purr he adores and he is brought out of his trance.

Her hair falls in suggestively straight tracks towards the curved valley of her chest. He dares not look, he fears that this may be too presumptuous of him, and yet she has made no move to deter his wandering eyes. In fact, she seems quite pleased to have his undivided attention. Still, he is a gentleman and he does not betray this quality. He tries his best to focus his attention on her face, but it is so hard and he suspects that she is aware of this.

His restraint impresses her. She wonders briefly if she would have the same restraint if Joseph was as exposed to her as she is to him. She already knows that she has failed in her own efforts to resist him. She practically consumed him whole when his shirt came off. He is hesitant, afraid of too much skin on skin contact. She finds this laughable, in the event of _it_ actually happening he will eventually have to touch her. But for now at least, she content to enjoy him this way.

"Joseph." She whispers against his ear, her long hair tickling at his shoulder. She giggles slightly as the simple act of saying his name causes his desire to grow against her leg again. He clears his throat awkwardly before answering.

"Yes?" He asks innocently, hoping he is not being too obvious.

"It's ok you know." She tells him reassuringly.

"What is?" He feigns innocence again.

"To look at me." She replies, knowing he is trying to deny himself the only thing which feels right.

"I am looking at you Jac." He tells her, a hint of sarcastic humour in his voice.

"No you're not." She tells him firmly, holding his gaze.

"Jac I'm looking right at you." He laughs, though he knows he is being foolish.

"Yes Mr Byrne, but you're not _looking_ at me are you?" She asks playfully, flicking her hair back over her shoulders, highlighting exactly what she wants him to look at.

"Jac... are you sure you want to do this?" He asks her again and she is unsure if the question is addressed to her or whether he is really asking himself.

"Joseph I have never been more certain of anything in my life, but if you're having doubts then you need to leave now before we both regret it. Go home and wait for an eternity for your wife to come home." She cannot help the spite in her voice.

He takes this in for a moment. She is speaking the truth. He is betraying his marriage, but there is nothing but a flimsy piece of paper behind that now. He knows he cannot continue to use Faye as the excuse in this situation. He needs to be honest. Secretly he is afraid that Jac will break him again, that everything so far and anything to come will be a falsified charade for another game plan. But he is sure that she has changed, that she means what she tells him now. He is afraid that he will get hurt again and he doesn't think he can handle that. He cannot stand to be rejected by the woman he loves all over again. Perhaps he will never be good enough.

"Jac, God knows I want this. But I can't stand to be used again. I don't think I can handle it." He tells her, knowing that it is pathetic.

She looks at him with pity, the last thing he wants from her. He is a broken man and she is holding the pieces of his heart in her hands. She knows that right now she is the most important thing in his life. She represents something he has lost, something he thinks he has found again and she has to handle this sensitively. She knows one thing, it is as clear to her as anything – she loves Joseph Byrne and she has to keep him here.

"Joseph I'm not going to use you again. I thought you knew that. I've changed. I'm... I'm in love with you. I always have been." She blurts out. Right now she will do anything for him, even the thing which scares her beyond measure. The realisation of what she has just told him hits her. Jac Naylor, Ice Maiden of Holby has just told him that she loves him. She has melted the ice around her frosty heart.

He doesn't know what to say. He can find no words to express the way he is feeling. He had not expected her to admit that she is in love with him and so the actual event hits him right between the eyes. He doesn't feel the need to tell her again how he feels, he has already done that and besides the articulation of such a phrase would require actual words and right now that is not possible.

Instead Joseph wraps his arms around her back pulling her as close to him as he can. He is painfully aware that such an action is driving his desire wild, but he needs to be close to her. She gasps at the sudden imbalance of it all. This passion is heady and overpowering, it consumes her but she loves it.

"Jac I will never doubt you again." He promises and she smiles.

"Good." She whispers and suddenly her lips are on his again. This kiss is sweet, it is honest and it is perfect. She is somewhat surprised to find that somehow, he has come to be straddling her and it is not long before she is lying beneath him. They are not quite fully clothed but they are almost and this is going to cause some technical issues.

Before she has time to voice her concerns, her breath is stolen as he sucks at her pulse point, making her moan. His lips continue their journey down her neck and descend upon the valley of her chest. He takes a moment to appreciate the silver silk bra she wears before his lips possess the material. He sucks and nips at her already hardened peaks through the soft material and he feels her responding to him. His desire for her is overwhelming and he almost cannot stand the pressure he is under, but somehow he manages it.

As he eases the left strap down her arm, she lets her fingertips brush their way down his body until finally they scrape against the material of his trousers. She whirls the tiny button between her fingers as blindly she tries to undo it. She moans in frustration and pulls out of their kiss. He looks into her eyes and notices the pained expression there. He does not need to ask for the source of the pain, he feels it too. It is the pain of yearning. He does not ask her what she wants him to do, he simply does it. He pushes himself up, kneeling over her – waiting for her to continue their journey.

"Thank you." She whispers, sitting up slightly to better angle herself in front of him. Her slim fingers quickly work the now frustratingly easy button and pull on the zip with so much zeal that it almost breaks. She slips her hands into the gaping trousers, running them over his underwear and thus his erect desire. God he wants her. She can tell this much. She had forgotten just how _passionate_ Joseph can be. She tries to pretend that he is reacting in this way because of her, because she is only one who makes him feel this way. She knows there is only a faint glimmer of hope that this is true, but any hope is better than none. If only she knew how true it was.

Her fingers close around the waistband of the dark trousers and she rolls them smoothly down his athletic legs. They pool at his knees and he kicks them away. She groans in pleasure as finally she realises the extent of his desire for her.

"God Joseph..." She sighs breathily. He blushes in embarrassment, or perhaps it is lust but she supposes this is probably awkward for him. He is probably not used to feeling this way, she suspects that his lust (if ever there was any) for Faye has been dead for a long time.

"I'm sorry." He tells her although secretly he is not. He should not be apologising for the way her beauty makes him feel.

"Don't be sorry Joseph." She croons as her hands slip beneath the waistband of his sensible boxers and gently caress him. He bucks into her involuntarily and shudders in his pleasure. She loves the look on his face right now. She wishes she could hold onto it forever. The moment when she made everything go away.

"Jac..." He mumbles her name. Is it wrong to feel this much pleasure? Is wrong to experience such hedonism as this? If it is he cannot sense it. It feels right in so many ways. He feels that soon he will need release and he hopes he will not to have to apologise for this too. She seems to sense this, as if they are connected and it is at the precise moment when he cannot take anymore of her attention that she withdraws herself.

He is still kneeling above this perfect woman as he closes his eyes for a moment's composure. When he opens his eyes again. Things have changed. That is the thrill of a lover like Jac. Nothing stays the same. In the blink of an eye things can change. She is lying beneath him again, her hair splaying in a thousand directions. He loves her and her spontaneity right now. She has taken it upon herself to remove the bra she had been wearing and her small, perfectly rounded breasts are fully exposed to him. The rose tinted flesh of her nipples is severely hardened and her breathing is rapid. She is stunning this way, lying in wait for him – wanting him to notice her.

"You're beautiful." He tells her again and she really believes it. She is not afraid to hear it anymore; in fact she almost craves the words.

His mouth goes down on each one of her breasts in turn, just as she had hoped it would. She could not have imagined this to be anymore perfect than it already is. This is the fairytale. She gasps as he applies brief pressure to her nipple.

"Oh God!" She yells in her pleasured state.

His lips blaze a trail down her chest and across her taughtened stomach. He cannot believe that this is happening. His hot tongue grazes the soft fabric of her trousers. This is it, will she let him? Is this real? There is only one way to find out.

He looks down at the trousers, noting the fact that they are fastened with five little silver buttons. He makes no complaints as he proceeds to rid of her of her trousers. The soft material slides easily down her slender legs. God her body is perfection. He pulls them free of her feet and then there is only underwear between them. Knowing this almost sends him to oblivion right in that moment, but they must go together, he understands that.

He kisses his way back up her legs finally reaching the place which burns for him. His fingers slip beneath the silver silk of her knickers and find their way into her. She shouts in pleasure as he moves into her. She stifles his name as she tries to beg him to remove the underwear for good. After a few more teasing strokes of his fingers, he acquiesces and they join the wreckage on her bedroom floor.

It has happened so slowly and yet it feels like a slap in the face when he realises that Jac is actually naked beneath him. There is no returning from this moment and the thought of escape does not even cross his mind.

She smiles widely knowing that everything about this is turning him on. She is also aware that soon they will not be able to wait much longer; soon they will have to have some kind of release.

Her body convulses unexpectedly as suddenly his fingers are replaced by his tongue. Never in all realms of possibility, had she ever imagined Joseph to be capable of performing such an act and yet here he is his tongue moving into her intimacy and it feels so good. It seems that they have both changed and this is a good thing. He continues this way for a while, responding to the moans that escape her. This is so different from anything he has done before. He has never been this bold during sex before and he thinks he likes himself better without his timid nature and massive inhibitions. Jac makes him feel alive and his so grateful for that. Only short hours ago, Joseph would have easily succumbed to death's call, now he wants to live forever with her...

Her breaths become more laboured, further apart. If Joseph remembers correctly, then this is a sure sign that she is about to leave him; that she is heading towards that paradise their passion is now capable of reaching. He hates the thought that she will leave him behind, but he cannot bare to torture her. He manages one final probing exploration of her before he feels her releasing into his mouth. She screams his name at the height of her pleasure and he knows that his love for her will never end.

As she comes down from her Joseph induced Heaven, she is briefly aware of him withdrawing from her. She has just experienced possibly the best orgasm of her life and she wishes they could stay this way forever. She wonders why he was never like this before, but she appreciates that life has intervened, has changed them both forever. They will never be the people they used to be and Jac knows that in her case, this is the best thing that could have happened. In the hours she has spent with Joseph tonight, Jac has become unrecognisable, even to herself. She feels emotion – she feels love and it feels so good.

He is breathing heavily above her, matching her excitement and anticipation. Her body is still shaking as she tries to sit up. Her limbs seem incapable of support her and she uses his arms get up. She closes her eyes as she reaches the final stages of her recovery. She lets her forehead rest against his as slowly she opens her eyes to look at him again. He is smiling, knowing that he is responsible for taking her to a secret paradise.

She places her hands across his back, pulling him closer to her. Any distance between them right now feels like too much. She has to be close to him, she is depending upon him for survival right now. He is her life support and without him, she will cease to exist, or least this is the way it feels. She knows she is probably being a tad over sentimental but this is a totally new feeling. She knows for sure that the last time they were in a relationship she did not feel like this. The last time was based on greed an ambition; this time her reason for being with him is because she loves him and she wants to make him happy. Jac has never felt like this before, she has always been egocentric. She supposes this is why Mrs Beauchamp took such a liking to her. They are the same, both interested in their career and their influence, both prepared to use their sexual charms to accomplish their goals. Yes, Jac and Connie are extremely similar, or at least they used to be. All Jac can think about now is Joseph and their future together.

She has drifted and so when she feels their first skin on skin contact, she is shocked. She has not realised that in pulling them closer together, she has inadvertently caused their chest to be touching. A thrill of electricity shoots through her, every inch of her boy tingles and she knows that he is everything she desires.

He leans forward ever so slightly and places a soft kiss to her lips. She cannot believe that such tender kisses are responsible for her racing heartbeat. She imagines that a kiss like this will soon send her into cardiac arrest. As they continue to share this kiss, he gently lowers her back on to the bed. He pauses briefly to admire the splay of her red hair against the white pillow before he kisses her again. His is lying above her, careful not to allow too much of his weight to burden her as he prepares himself for that which is imminent.

She gasps as his tongue catches her off guard for what feels like the hundredth time. She hears his small giggle at this fact and she knows she will get him back for it later. Her hands travel the length of his body and settle on the waistband of his boxers for the second time. He looks at her with mock curiosity, although she can see in his eyes that he not only expects what is coming, but that he wants it and needs it.

"What's the matter Mr Byrne?" She teases, administering her revenge for his passionate tongue.

"Come on Jac, please..." He begs her. She knows that soon he will do anything if it means she will give him what he so desperately desires and this excites her more than anything.

"What is that you want from me Joseph?" She asks him, though she knows the answer.

He sighs heavily, catching onto her teasing.

"I want... to be _in_ you." He whispers sensually.

"Hmm now, that's very appealing, however you can't do that in your present wardrobe can you?" She whispers.

"No I can't Jac." He replies knowing that she is almost ready to give into his desires.

"Let me see what I can do about that." She replies whimsically, trying not to get too caught up in the moment.

* * *

Her hands are caressing his bum beneath his underwear and then suddenly he is as naked as she is. They are equals again and she feels empowered by this. She tries to look down at him but he holds her firmly beneath him. He kisses his way across her face and down her body, toying with her and making her wait. After reaching a certain point, he moves back up her body meeting her lips again.

She seems grateful for this reconnection between them because she is desperately trying to keep him there. She kisses him insistently and he can tell that she thinks this will encourage him to give her what she wants. In all honesty, Joseph cannot wait much longer, he too craves release. He too craves the feeling of connection she so desperately wants.

He pulls away from her slightly, stoking a stray strand of hair back from her face. The look in her eyes is one of pure passion induced pain. He realises that their torturous game has gone on long enough and he prepares to give her what she has wanted from the beginning.

"Are you sure?" He triple checks, holding her gaze – seeing the answer reflected in her alluring eyes.

"For God's Sake take me!" She half screams.

"Your wish..." he starts, before placing a kiss to her lips "is my command." He tells her.

"Thank God!" She replies as she kisses him again. She eagerly awaits his next move as he takes her hands and holds them firmly above her head. He kisses her one final time before he enters her.

* * *

The widening of her eyes is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It feels so good to be inside of her after all this time. He realises that this is what he has been missing for the past couple of years. Being with Faye has prevented him from loving Jac in the way that he should have always done. He is glad that he can put that right now.

He gives her a moment to accommodate him before he begins thrusting into her. He starts slowly and gradually increases the pace as she responds to him. It is not long before they are matching each other and they are connected in this one moment of passion.

She whispers his name over and over as her breathing becomes shallow.

He kisses her again as he watches her eyes flutter shut. She is becoming increasingly distant and he is feeling the build up of _that_ pressure. It amazes him that they are so in sync with each other, even after all this time.

She opens her eyes after a while, her mesmerising gaze captivates him and in that moment he knows that they are ready.

"Let's do this together." She whispers, catching his lips once more.

"I love you Jac." He tells her, before it is too late. He wants to say it now before the aftermath truly settles upon them.

"I love you too." She says and he knows that it is true.

With one final thrust, they are both sent plunging into a white hot oblivion of bliss...

* * *

It seems like hours have passed. They are entwined in the bed the sheets tangled messily over their bodies. If either one of them thinks that this situation is at all strange, they do not say. Perhaps it is the shock, perhaps it is not. It is difficult to tell.

She is feeling content. For the first time in months, maybe even years she feels happiness. She knew that bringing Joseph here would either be a really good thing, or it could have gone horribly wrong. For her at least, it seems like bringing him here was a _really_ good thing. She is in love in a way she has never been before. She can hardly find the words to articulate her feelings upon their time together. Instead, she places her head upon his chest, the way she has seen in the movies; the way she never did before.

She half expects him to remain cold and passive to her presence and she supposes she must prepare herself for this possibility. He may hate her more now than ever before, but that is a risk she must take. She snuggles her head into the crook of his neck and waits to be rejected. If this is her final moment with Joseph, she wants to remember it as the best moment of her life.

* * *

He is happy. He definitely made the right choice tonight. For the first time in weeks he feels human again. He feels respected as a man and not just a surgeon. He has even had doubts about the respect he receives for his position at the hospital. His horrendous home life has been affecting his work and now that Mrs. Beauchamp is back, he knows he cannot afford the mistakes he has made under Elliot's lenient eye. He is grateful to Mr. Hope for understanding, but right now he is more grateful to the woman who is curled up next to him. She is responsible for saving him from himself.

* * *

Instead of shrugging her off, she feels his arms encircling her body, holding her exactly as she is. Lying this way in the aftermath of sex, is a new experience for them both but it feels nice and she could get used to it. He kisses her hair lightly, loving this more as the seconds pass by. He has forgotten his troubles, if only for a minute and this feels normal and comfortable and something he wants to go on forever...

"Thank you Jac." He says after a while, it seems like the right thing to say. He needs her to know that he is grateful to her for everything she has done for him tonight. She has managed to bring him back to life and he feels some of his wounds beginning to heal.

"For what?" She asks dreamily. She has enjoyed their evening together so much and she is glad that he is more like himself now- she realises she is responsible for this change in him.

"You rescued me. You brought me back to myself. You changed for me." He lists just a few of the things he is thankful for.

She mulls this over for a minute. "Oh well, you're welcome. There was one thing I wanted to ask though." She replies.

"Ask away." He tells her.

"Well... it's about... the sex... was it..." she trails off as her phone beginnings to ring. He laughs as she curses at the interruption, she is in no rush to answer it and he wonders if she actually will. She seems to be trying to ignore it, but it is shrill and it pierces the silence rudely.

She mumbles what Joseph thinks are obscenities under her breath as she disentangles herself from him reluctantly. She pushes the sheets off roughly and gets out the bed. His laughter becomes louder as on her way out the room, whilst trying to put his shirt on, she stumbles over his shoe and curses again.

"This is not bloody funny Mr Byrne!" She hisses although there is playfulness in her voice.

"Oh it is Jac. It is" He fights against the urge to burst with laughter.

She exits the room and he hears her running for the phone despite herself.

When she comes back she is holding the phone to her ear, she is wearing a wide smile and she looks incredibly sexy in his shirt.

"Yes Elliot, he's fine." Jac assures the person who can only be Mr. Hope. Joseph tenses in a moment's panic. Will she tell him? Does that matter?

She rolls his eyes at him as she assures Elliot for the second time that Joseph is ok.

"Yes Elliot I'm sure he's going to be ok. Look you can talk to him if you want, check for yourself that I haven't killed him." She challenges. It seems like Elliot says something admonishing to Jac because she winces before holding out the phone to Joseph.

"He wants to talk to you, maybe you should tell him _exactly_ what we've been up to." She teases and Joseph takes the phone.

She sits back down on the edge of the bed as Joseph talks to Elliot. Soon she can't resist the urge to kiss him again and she teases him with tiny kisses to his neck and jaw.

His conversation with Elliot halts momentarily and Jac is leaning so close she can hear Elliot's concern.

"I'm still hear Elliot, yes – yes I'll be in tomorrow. Yes, Jac too. Night." He says hurriedly before disconnecting the call.

He looks at her with what he hopes resembles reproach and she shoots him an innocent look.

"That was very naughty Jac." He tells her sternly as he scoops her under him again, peppering her face with kisses. She squeals and it so unlike her but he likes the sound, he could get used to it.

* * *

Over coffee the next morning, Joseph poses the question he is not sure he wants an answer to.

"What happens now Jac?" He asks hoping to sound casual.

She pauses a moment, she knows the answer to this already but she hesitates in her reply.

"I'm not sure." She replies honestly and then after a minute's consideration she adds "But I know one thing for certain."

"What's that?" He asks, steeling himself for the worst.

"I just want to be with you." She says simply, before kissing him again.

* * *

Over the next few months Jac dreams. She dreams of divorces, of happiness, of white dresses and celebrations. She dreams of kissing him without inhibition every day. She dreams of making love to him endlessly. She dreams of pregnancy and children. Of the perfect little boy who lights up her world, of the one who has still to come... Jac Naylor dreams of a perfect life with him...

As she wakes, Jac realises that she has not been dreaming. She realises that those things which fill her thoughts at night are those things which are real. As she feels the swell of her stomach and hears the squeal of that perfect child who dominates her dreams, as she wakes next to Joseph for the millionth time, Jac Byrne realises that this is her life...

END

**There you are. Hope you liked it. I know this version of Jac and Joseph (especially Jac) might not seem real, but I believe that they could reach this stage eventually. I wanted to explore them on an emotional level so I hope I have done that... Hope you enjoyed reading this. Let me know. **

**Love Michellexx**


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